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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

Life. Both wonderful and bloody frustrating. Some days you want to last forever, others can’t end soon enough. I am at a point in life where I need an outlet for all these one sided conversations that go on in my head. That’s where this blog malarkey comes in. There will be ranting. There will be raving. There will likely be no actual structure or rhyme or reason for most of it, BUT that’s just how it goes in this mind of mine. Please don’t expect this to be fancy. I’m not very good at fancy. Don’t expect it to be a place for reasoned arguments, hormones and lack of sleep don’t care about reasoning! Let’s see what happens….

Growing old

We are all doing it. The saying old age doesn’t come alone, well that appears to be true. The poor old dog having started his new medication for his “drippy” problem was up every 2 hours through the night. Poor sod seemed to be having hot flushes and needed to go out to cool down. The medication is made for female dogs so I can only assume that it is similar to HRT and I have all this to look forward to…..hopefully without the drippy problem.

So today we are both a wee bit crabbit, having had very disrupted sleep. This has resulted in a headache for me and him not being able to settle for 5 minutes. A wander in the sun – yes it has actually been visible today! – has helped lift the spirits a bit. He is now sleeping next to me on the couch and I’m having a cup of Yorkshire Gold accompanied by a Twirl. Both of which are almost a guarantee to cheer me right up. Ah, the simple things in life.

Weird Times

So today started off all snuggled up in bed, albeit a teeny sliver of bed, feeling warm, content and ok yes a bit tired. Fast forward to 0720 and I’m in the front garden with a clean empty jam jar (still in pjs, hair standing on end and trainers on bare feet) following the dog around waiting for him to pee. My life is just non stop fun!

The aforementioned old dog has a bit of an issue with “dripping”. A week of antibiotics and eighty odd quid lighter he is still having the occasional dribble. So now the daft old bugger is on incontinence medication – normally for lady dogs – for a couple of weeks to see how that goes and I’m another sixty odd quid lighter in the bank balance.

Then it was my turn for a visit to the doctor. No medication for me but lots of tears and a little advice all in less than the allocated 10 minutes (Hope the poor sod manages a dinner break cause he was already running late). On the way home I had to stop off and get the dog a wee treat for being brave at the vets (i.e. not weeing all over the floor this time). So that’s a sausage roll for him and a meringue and cream for me.

Surely it isn’t normal to feel this exhausted all the time? The sort of exhausted that makes you wonder if you will be able to get out of bed in the morning.

At this time the search continues for a resolution. Saw a job I would like but not sure I can afford to take or whether I’d even stand a chance of getting. Ho hum and on it rolls.

Two steps forward…

Hands up I admit I have been a tad over emotional the last few weeks. I’ve not been able to talk about the situation with work without bursting into tears. I suppose the only way I can describe how it has felt is like being dumped unexpectedly.

How I dealt with it was to shut myself off from everyone, avoid talking about it and try to concentrate on other things. I hold all my stress and tension in my neck, shoulders and lower back so I booked a massage. My fabulous masseuse also does reiki (and lots of other beauty treatments but no I’m not on commission!) so I had a session of both booked. She made several comments comparing the state of my back to concrete. After the reiki one of the things that had come across was how low my energy was. I need to recharge and reboot.

With this in mind I made a few decisions and having a bit of time away from work was starting to feel better about the whole thing. Then an unexpected phone message. Of course this has set my brain off at hyper speed and now I feel like I’m back at square one.

Oh and I’m still waiting for my winning lottery ticket…

First signs

So today I had some reiki with a good friend. Basically I was a mess. I need to hit the reboot button and power down and then power back up.

Everything points to needing a new beginning, allowing myself to grow and be more creative. I’m still looking for that inspiration but I knew things are heading in the right direction when I found some of my favourite tea that I’ve not been able to get for ages!

Then I had a wee wander round the garden and found this little gem and knew everything will be alright.

My first snowdrop from bulbs planted at the end of last year!

I also had an unexpected but much appreciated visit from my boyfriend last night just to check I was ok. He brought me some beautiful flowers to cheer me up and they did exactly that.

So, while I know there is a long way to go it looks like there is a change in the future that will be for the better.

Ray of Light

In the middle of this maelstrom of emotions and upheaval there is one little ray of light.

This weirdo….

Daft sod spent 10 minutes shoving his bed about the floor with his nose and trying to flip it over last night, causing me great hilarity. I’ve no idea what the aim of this clowning about was but it was a tiny pin prick of light in an otherwise dark day.

Update –

Caught the little sod trying to steal my tuna salad roll from the table at lunchtime! He has never done anything like that before. Obviously getting daring in his old age!!

Sheep

So I figured out that I’m supposed to be a sheep. Blindly do what I’m told, not question anything and not have an opinion. In fact I’ve been told so often recently to just get on with it, there is nothing you can do about it, that I almost believe that.

The only problem I have with being a sheep, is that I’m not. I simply do not have the ability to think like that. Just because someone is given a title or rank and is paid more than me, doesn’t mean they are always right.

I have had to bite my tongue a lot recently. It’s hard. I have a terrible habit of saying what I think. That doesn’t go down well with those who think they are my “superiors”. I hate to burst their bubbles – who am I kidding I love bursting their massive egos. Most of them are total idiots whose ability to talk bullshit is only outweighed by their blind belief that they know best.

It’s amazing to me also that people can’t actually just say what they think. When someone asks me what I think about the recent changes, I tell them. I don’t edit it to make it nice and sweet and palatable for the bosses who parade themselves around occasionally waiting for us to say how marvellous they are. The look of “oh holy shit” on their faces makes me laugh. What also makes me laugh is how much everyone else panders to them, but say something totally different when they are not there.

Someone likened the removal of our highly skilled jobs from the Highlands to the clearances. This also works very well with the sheep analogy. It will be interesting to see how this is reflected in the future. In the present the “powers that be” are doing their best to keep us quiet. To stop us making any comment in public about what is being done to us. Sorry folks but you will need a bloody big gag to keep me quiet.

As an aside. I’m not the kind of person who likes to big themselves up, but I think I was damn good at my job. When someone who has never done my job, never seen what we have had to deal with, the lack of resources, the lack of support and also the lack of any formal training apart from IT packages, comes in here and makes out that it will be no problem for someone else to just step in and do it. Someone who also thinks they know more about me and my colleagues with almost 100 years of experience between us. That makes me very, very angry and at this point in proceedings I just have to turn and walk out of the room.

If I could afford to walk away from this employment I would. Let’s hope my numbers come up on the Euromillions tonight.

Reactions Part 2

I find it quite sad how ignorant some people can be.

If you feel the need to gloat about every little thing you do and yet never stop to see how others are feeling, what does that make you? Apart from an insensitive fucktard.

It is the general consensus that I’m a hard necked cow at work. Yes, sometimes that can be the case, you have to be to deal with what I have over the years. Doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings other than anger, it just means I don’t choose to share them with the room every time I have them.

So today while I desperately tried not to burst in to tears, others were busy bouncing around rabbiting on about how they were demob happy and how glad they were that we were closing. That’s probably why I don’t feel the need to pretend to be interested in you.

Funny also how quickly a team becomes a number of individuals with no connections.