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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

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Life. Both wonderful and bloody frustrating. Some days you want to last forever, others can’t end soon enough. I am at a point in life where I need an outlet for all these one sided conversations that go on in my head. That’s where this blog malarkey comes in. There will be ranting. There will be raving. There will likely be no actual structure or rhyme or reason for most of it, BUT that’s just how it goes in this mind of mine. Please don’t expect this to be fancy. I’m not very good at fancy. Don’t expect it to be a place for reasoned arguments, hormones and lack of sleep don’t care about reasoning! Let’s see what happens….

Wanted – people management courses

It is always a source of wonder to me how people get jobs as managers and supervisors with absolutely no people management skills. Since I don’t like people that much I would never dream of applying for such a job because I know I don’t have those skills. It takes a special kind of skill to totally ignore someone’s mental wellbeing because it doesn’t suit you. Especially when it has been repeatedly pointed out to you. A very special kind of skill that. To have someone in tears and ignore that fact is something even me with my heart of stone would find hard to do.

I am almost at a loss for words, although I can see that tomorrow is going to be another very difficult day for me mentally after this, again. Oh how I love spending my days off feeling like I’m at the bottom of a very dark hole with slippery sides and no way of getting out. How I would dearly love to be able to walk away from this job. Any big lottery winners out there looking for a worthy cause, please apply below.

Update

I usually have an answer for everything but there comes a time, like today when it doesn’t feel worth the effort. When you just know there is no point arguing with the party line. When you feel so exhausted that crawling into a darkened room and staying there seems like the only escape. When shutting down and withdrawing feels like the only option. That was how today ended.

Then this

After such an emotional day yesterday, today I felt so low and drained of energy that even getting dressed was an enormous effort. On days like this it’s hard to be interested in anything or motivated to do anything. But I did make it through the day and having a soak in the bath this tune came on my random playlist. Without fail it lifts my mood and makes me want to dance – yes even in the bath! So I felt the need to share. Enjoy 🙂

Ignoring the signs

I haven’t been spouting on here for a while, so sorry if you have been waiting with baited breath for more of my outpourings.

Since my first big rant about my job there have been lots of changes. Very few for the good. I spent almost 6 weeks off work trying to get myself to a place where I could interact with people without bursting into tears. Coming back to work on a phased return, everyone made the right noises and having time to sit and speak to others who were in a similar headspace to me was good. However, even though the job may now be a minute fraction of what it used to be, we, the staff, are still treated with the same disdain.

I have had counselling, try to practice mindfulness and other CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) exercises. Some days it feels like they help, but then some days, like today when I’m being forced to do something I’m not comfortable with, nothing helps. I burst into tears at the drop of a hat and can’t focus or concentrate. Nevermind that I still don’t feel 100% well, that I have said I don’t feel able to do the task being placed upon me, that it is Mental Health Awareness week and we are being reminded constantly through fake concern by email and press releases. My colleagues all express their concern for my wellbeing but management….well the job needs done and we’ve told you to do it….

I always used to think of myself as being strong and excellent at putting on a brave front by being incredibly grumpy but I struggle with this “weak” me who can’t stop crying. I hate showing my vulnerabilities to people – any people – so doing it at work is magnified by 1000. At this point it looks like I need to make a return visit to the doctor and ask for further time off. I don’t want to have to do it but I also don’t feel like I have a choice. I need to make myself my priority and stop feeling guilty about letting people down because I know that those who matter will understand.

Should it be this hard?

No, not a line from a bad porn movie, but a question about getting back to good mental health.

I have only had 2 sessions of counselling but at the end of the second I was set some homework. I haven’t done homework for over 12 years. That was before the Easter weekend. Until today I still hadn’t started it. I have tried every type of avoidance that I knew was possible and some that I didn’t. All day today I’ve been getting myself more and more worked up about not having done it. It has almost got to the point that I’m more worried about going to counselling tomorrow that I was for my first session.

I’m not sure that getting myself in this state is very helpful. I have discovered that my concentration span is still very poor. I feel exhausted quite quickly and tired all the time. I worry that I’m trying to do too much and I worry that I’m not doing enough.

So my question stands. Should it be this hard?

Back in the homeland

So having been getting back to work slowly seemed like a good thing. I say seemed as it was lovely to be back and see folk and chat in a relatively relaxed atmosphere. Only relatively because although there was absolutely nothing to do, the others were already getting restless. That restless feeling is infectious, and quickly turns to discontent.

So for something to do I’ve volunteered to help out at my old office for the week. This has involved lots of packing and driving til I arrived home to chaos at my parents house. They are redecorating the living room so the place resembles a building site!

The highlight of our journey up the road was a wee stop in Helmsdale for some chips and chicken nuggets….turns out enough to feed a family of 4 for a week though!

Safely ensconced with a cuppa and chocolate hobnobs I already miss my bed…

Still here, just

I haven’t been in a frame of mind to write recently. Mainly because nothing much has changed.

I was really touched though this last week or so by some people getting in touch to see how I am. Shut away in my own little bubble for such a long time, I really appreciated it.

I have an appointment this week for some counselling. Not sure it was a good sign when the lady sent me a text calling me entirely the wrong name….good sign or not? Erm…let’s wait and see. Then I will also be trying a couple of hours back at work. I say work but it appears that everyone is just sitting round twiddling their thumbs so not sure how productive it will be. In the meantime the search for a new career continues, any offers gratefully received.

While I have been at home I’ve been “persuaded” to do some planting of seeds and some other minor gardening type stuff. I’m not very good though, I prefer the end result of beautiful flowers. I seem to have developed a bit of an addiction for dahlias. The boyfriend is trying to curb this addiction but it is entirely his fault!

Exhausted

This must be what it feels like to have a new born. Up through the night every 2 hours with this old bugger of a dog. That and feeling emotionally drained.

Having to explain my posts because people have too much time on their hands and make up what they don’t know to cause trouble. That is also exhausting.

Trying not to burst into tears every time someone asks what’s happening with my job. That is extremely exhausting.

Tomorrow I am retreating to the motherland for some down time. I need to regroup. I need to rethink my future, wherever that may be.

Still waiting for that winning ticket.