Ignoring the signs

I haven’t been spouting on here for a while, so sorry if you have been waiting with baited breath for more of my outpourings.

Since my first big rant about my job there have been lots of changes. Very few for the good. I spent almost 6 weeks off work trying to get myself to a place where I could interact with people without bursting into tears. Coming back to work on a phased return, everyone made the right noises and having time to sit and speak to others who were in a similar headspace to me was good. However, even though the job may now be a minute fraction of what it used to be, we, the staff, are still treated with the same disdain.

I have had counselling, try to practice mindfulness and other CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) exercises. Some days it feels like they help, but then some days, like today when I’m being forced to do something I’m not comfortable with, nothing helps. I burst into tears at the drop of a hat and can’t focus or concentrate. Nevermind that I still don’t feel 100% well, that I have said I don’t feel able to do the task being placed upon me, that it is Mental Health Awareness week and we are being reminded constantly through fake concern by email and press releases. My colleagues all express their concern for my wellbeing but management….well the job needs done and we’ve told you to do it….

I always used to think of myself as being strong and excellent at putting on a brave front by being incredibly grumpy but I struggle with this “weak” me who can’t stop crying. I hate showing my vulnerabilities to people – any people – so doing it at work is magnified by 1000. At this point it looks like I need to make a return visit to the doctor and ask for further time off. I don’t want to have to do it but I also don’t feel like I have a choice. I need to make myself my priority and stop feeling guilty about letting people down because I know that those who matter will understand.

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