I haven’t been in a frame of mind to write recently. Mainly because nothing much has changed.
I was really touched though this last week or so by some people getting in touch to see how I am. Shut away in my own little bubble for such a long time, I really appreciated it.
I have an appointment this week for some counselling. Not sure it was a good sign when the lady sent me a text calling me entirely the wrong name….good sign or not? Erm…let’s wait and see. Then I will also be trying a couple of hours back at work. I say work but it appears that everyone is just sitting round twiddling their thumbs so not sure how productive it will be. In the meantime the search for a new career continues, any offers gratefully received.
While I have been at home I’ve been “persuaded” to do some planting of seeds and some other minor gardening type stuff. I’m not very good though, I prefer the end result of beautiful flowers. I seem to have developed a bit of an addiction for dahlias. The boyfriend is trying to curb this addiction but it is entirely his fault!
This must be what it feels like to have a new born. Up through the night every 2 hours with this old bugger of a dog. That and feeling emotionally drained.
Having to explain my posts because people have too much time on their hands and make up what they don’t know to cause trouble. That is also exhausting.
Trying not to burst into tears every time someone asks what’s happening with my job. That is extremely exhausting.
Tomorrow I am retreating to the motherland for some down time. I need to regroup. I need to rethink my future, wherever that may be.
Still waiting for that winning ticket.
We are all doing it. The saying old age doesn’t come alone, well that appears to be true. The poor old dog having started his new medication for his “drippy” problem was up every 2 hours through the night. Poor sod seemed to be having hot flushes and needed to go out to cool down. The medication is made for female dogs so I can only assume that it is similar to HRT and I have all this to look forward to…..hopefully without the drippy problem.
So today we are both a wee bit crabbit, having had very disrupted sleep. This has resulted in a headache for me and him not being able to settle for 5 minutes. A wander in the sun – yes it has actually been visible today! – has helped lift the spirits a bit. He is now sleeping next to me on the couch and I’m having a cup of Yorkshire Gold accompanied by a Twirl. Both of which are almost a guarantee to cheer me right up. Ah, the simple things in life.
So today started off all snuggled up in bed, albeit a teeny sliver of bed, feeling warm, content and ok yes a bit tired. Fast forward to 0720 and I’m in the front garden with a clean empty jam jar (still in pjs, hair standing on end and trainers on bare feet) following the dog around waiting for him to pee. My life is just non stop fun!
The aforementioned old dog has a bit of an issue with “dripping”. A week of antibiotics and eighty odd quid lighter he is still having the occasional dribble. So now the daft old bugger is on incontinence medication – normally for lady dogs – for a couple of weeks to see how that goes and I’m another sixty odd quid lighter in the bank balance.
Then it was my turn for a visit to the doctor. No medication for me but lots of tears and a little advice all in less than the allocated 10 minutes (Hope the poor sod manages a dinner break cause he was already running late). On the way home I had to stop off and get the dog a wee treat for being brave at the vets (i.e. not weeing all over the floor this time). So that’s a sausage roll for him and a meringue and cream for me.
Surely it isn’t normal to feel this exhausted all the time? The sort of exhausted that makes you wonder if you will be able to get out of bed in the morning.
At this time the search continues for a resolution. Saw a job I would like but not sure I can afford to take or whether I’d even stand a chance of getting. Ho hum and on it rolls.
Hands up I admit I have been a tad over emotional the last few weeks. I’ve not been able to talk about the situation with work without bursting into tears. I suppose the only way I can describe how it has felt is like being dumped unexpectedly.
How I dealt with it was to shut myself off from everyone, avoid talking about it and try to concentrate on other things. I hold all my stress and tension in my neck, shoulders and lower back so I booked a massage. My fabulous masseuse also does reiki (and lots of other beauty treatments but no I’m not on commission!) so I had a session of both booked. She made several comments comparing the state of my back to concrete. After the reiki one of the things that had come across was how low my energy was. I need to recharge and reboot.
With this in mind I made a few decisions and having a bit of time away from work was starting to feel better about the whole thing. Then an unexpected phone message. Of course this has set my brain off at hyper speed and now I feel like I’m back at square one.
Oh and I’m still waiting for my winning lottery ticket…
So today I had some reiki with a good friend. Basically I was a mess. I need to hit the reboot button and power down and then power back up.
Everything points to needing a new beginning, allowing myself to grow and be more creative. I’m still looking for that inspiration but I knew things are heading in the right direction when I found some of my favourite tea that I’ve not been able to get for ages!
Then I had a wee wander round the garden and found this little gem and knew everything will be alright.
My first snowdrop from bulbs planted at the end of last year!
I also had an unexpected but much appreciated visit from my boyfriend last night just to check I was ok. He brought me some beautiful flowers to cheer me up and they did exactly that.
So, while I know there is a long way to go it looks like there is a change in the future that will be for the better.
In the middle of this maelstrom of emotions and upheaval there is one little ray of light.
Daft sod spent 10 minutes shoving his bed about the floor with his nose and trying to flip it over last night, causing me great hilarity. I’ve no idea what the aim of this clowning about was but it was a tiny pin prick of light in an otherwise dark day.
Caught the little sod trying to steal my tuna salad roll from the table at lunchtime! He has never done anything like that before. Obviously getting daring in his old age!!