Two steps forward…

Hands up I admit I have been a tad over emotional the last few weeks. I’ve not been able to talk about the situation with work without bursting into tears. I suppose the only way I can describe how it has felt is like being dumped unexpectedly.

How I dealt with it was to shut myself off from everyone, avoid talking about it and try to concentrate on other things. I hold all my stress and tension in my neck, shoulders and lower back so I booked a massage. My fabulous masseuse also does reiki (and lots of other beauty treatments but no I’m not on commission!) so I had a session of both booked. She made several comments comparing the state of my back to concrete. After the reiki one of the things that had come across was how low my energy was. I need to recharge and reboot.

With this in mind I made a few decisions and having a bit of time away from work was starting to feel better about the whole thing. Then an unexpected phone message. Of course this has set my brain off at hyper speed and now I feel like I’m back at square one.

Oh and I’m still waiting for my winning lottery ticket…

First signs

So today I had some reiki with a good friend. Basically I was a mess. I need to hit the reboot button and power down and then power back up.

Everything points to needing a new beginning, allowing myself to grow and be more creative. I’m still looking for that inspiration but I knew things are heading in the right direction when I found some of my favourite tea that I’ve not been able to get for ages!

Then I had a wee wander round the garden and found this little gem and knew everything will be alright.

My first snowdrop from bulbs planted at the end of last year!

I also had an unexpected but much appreciated visit from my boyfriend last night just to check I was ok. He brought me some beautiful flowers to cheer me up and they did exactly that.

So, while I know there is a long way to go it looks like there is a change in the future that will be for the better.

Ray of Light

In the middle of this maelstrom of emotions and upheaval there is one little ray of light.

This weirdo….

Daft sod spent 10 minutes shoving his bed about the floor with his nose and trying to flip it over last night, causing me great hilarity. I’ve no idea what the aim of this clowning about was but it was a tiny pin prick of light in an otherwise dark day.

Update –

Caught the little sod trying to steal my tuna salad roll from the table at lunchtime! He has never done anything like that before. Obviously getting daring in his old age!!

Sheep

So I figured out that I’m supposed to be a sheep. Blindly do what I’m told, not question anything and not have an opinion. In fact I’ve been told so often recently to just get on with it, there is nothing you can do about it, that I almost believe that.

The only problem I have with being a sheep, is that I’m not. I simply do not have the ability to think like that. Just because someone is given a title or rank and is paid more than me, doesn’t mean they are always right.

I have had to bite my tongue a lot recently. It’s hard. I have a terrible habit of saying what I think. That doesn’t go down well with those who think they are my “superiors”. I hate to burst their bubbles – who am I kidding I love bursting their massive egos. Most of them are total idiots whose ability to talk bullshit is only outweighed by their blind belief that they know best.

It’s amazing to me also that people can’t actually just say what they think. When someone asks me what I think about the recent changes, I tell them. I don’t edit it to make it nice and sweet and palatable for the bosses who parade themselves around occasionally waiting for us to say how marvellous they are. The look of “oh holy shit” on their faces makes me laugh. What also makes me laugh is how much everyone else panders to them, but say something totally different when they are not there.

Someone likened the removal of our highly skilled jobs from the Highlands to the clearances. This also works very well with the sheep analogy. It will be interesting to see how this is reflected in the future. In the present the “powers that be” are doing their best to keep us quiet. To stop us making any comment in public about what is being done to us. Sorry folks but you will need a bloody big gag to keep me quiet.

As an aside. I’m not the kind of person who likes to big themselves up, but I think I was damn good at my job. When someone who has never done my job, never seen what we have had to deal with, the lack of resources, the lack of support and also the lack of any formal training apart from IT packages, comes in here and makes out that it will be no problem for someone else to just step in and do it. Someone who also thinks they know more about me and my colleagues with almost 100 years of experience between us. That makes me very, very angry and at this point in proceedings I just have to turn and walk out of the room.

If I could afford to walk away from this employment I would. Let’s hope my numbers come up on the Euromillions tonight.

Reactions Part 2

I find it quite sad how ignorant some people can be.

If you feel the need to gloat about every little thing you do and yet never stop to see how others are feeling, what does that make you? Apart from an insensitive fucktard.

It is the general consensus that I’m a hard necked cow at work. Yes, sometimes that can be the case, you have to be to deal with what I have over the years. Doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings other than anger, it just means I don’t choose to share them with the room every time I have them.

So today while I desperately tried not to burst in to tears, others were busy bouncing around rabbiting on about how they were demob happy and how glad they were that we were closing. That’s probably why I don’t feel the need to pretend to be interested in you.

Funny also how quickly a team becomes a number of individuals with no connections.

CLARIFICATION

Just to clear things up for the busy bodies who felt the need to try to upset others by pointing out this was about them. It was not about or directed at, any of the people on my shift, formerly or currently.

Reactions

Everyone reacts to situations differently. Most of the time my reaction is “nope”. No reasoning, no discussion. My gut tells me that something isn’t good. It isn’t usually wrong. I know I’m not exactly the most reasonable and logical person, so when someone tries to “explain” how I’m wrong and this is a really good thing all I can think in my head is “lalala bullshit lalala”. So you can imagine what’s been going on in my head recently.

Unfortunately I also have physical reactions. When I am under stress or unhappy it usually shows on my face. Not just expressions but huge red angry breakouts, why they always have to be on my nose or chin I’ve no bloody idea. Right now I look somewhat like Rudolph…..

When I’ve been running on adrenaline, caffeine and sugar, as happens when I’m stressed, I struggle to sleep, my head always seems to be sore and my intestines also show their displeasure. I won’t got into detail on that front you’ll be glad to know. My brain doesn’t seem to take information in and I’m even more grumpy than normal.

No matter how bad it gets, how often it reduces me to tears – angry or sad – I still don’t seem to be able to ask for help. I almost went to the doctors this week but cancelled at the last minute.

Something needs to change. I’m not sure what, but something. In the meantime I rely on those closest to me to keep me going. Without them who knows what cave I’d be hiding in now. I’m a bit crap at telling them how much I appreciate them, I can only hope they just know.

Also I’ve been sat here for over an hour and only just noticed I’ve got my jammie top on inside out….