Ray of Light

In the middle of this maelstrom of emotions and upheaval there is one little ray of light.

This weirdo….

Daft sod spent 10 minutes shoving his bed about the floor with his nose and trying to flip it over last night, causing me great hilarity. I’ve no idea what the aim of this clowning about was but it was a tiny pin prick of light in an otherwise dark day.

Update –

Caught the little sod trying to steal my tuna salad roll from the table at lunchtime! He has never done anything like that before. Obviously getting daring in his old age!!

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Sheep

So I figured out that I’m supposed to be a sheep. Blindly do what I’m told, not question anything and not have an opinion. In fact I’ve been told so often recently to just get on with it, there is nothing you can do about it, that I almost believe that.

The only problem I have with being a sheep, is that I’m not. I simply do not have the ability to think like that. Just because someone is given a title or rank and is paid more than me, doesn’t mean they are always right.

I have had to bite my tongue a lot recently. It’s hard. I have a terrible habit of saying what I think. That doesn’t go down well with those who think they are my “superiors”. I hate to burst their bubbles – who am I kidding I love bursting their massive egos. Most of them are total idiots whose ability to talk bullshit is only outweighed by their blind belief that they know best.

It’s amazing to me also that people can’t actually just say what they think. When someone asks me what I think about the recent changes, I tell them. I don’t edit it to make it nice and sweet and palatable for the bosses who parade themselves around occasionally waiting for us to say how marvellous they are. The look of “oh holy shit” on their faces makes me laugh. What also makes me laugh is how much everyone else panders to them, but say something totally different when they are not there.

Someone likened the removal of our highly skilled jobs from the Highlands to the clearances. This also works very well with the sheep analogy. It will be interesting to see how this is reflected in the future. In the present the “powers that be” are doing their best to keep us quiet. To stop us making any comment in public about what is being done to us. Sorry folks but you will need a bloody big gag to keep me quiet.

As an aside. I’m not the kind of person who likes to big themselves up, but I think I was damn good at my job. When someone who has never done my job, never seen what we have had to deal with, the lack of resources, the lack of support and also the lack of any formal training apart from IT packages, comes in here and makes out that it will be no problem for someone else to just step in and do it. Someone who also thinks they know more about me and my colleagues with almost 100 years of experience between us. That makes me very, very angry and at this point in proceedings I just have to turn and walk out of the room.

If I could afford to walk away from this employment I would. Let’s hope my numbers come up on the Euromillions tonight.

Reactions Part 2

I find it quite sad how ignorant some people can be.

If you feel the need to gloat about every little thing you do and yet never stop to see how others are feeling, what does that make you? Apart from an insensitive fucktard.

It is the general consensus that I’m a hard necked cow at work. Yes, sometimes that can be the case, you have to be to deal with what I have over the years. Doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings other than anger, it just means I don’t choose to share them with the room every time I have them.

So today while I desperately tried not to burst in to tears, others were busy bouncing around rabbiting on about how they were demob happy and how glad they were that we were closing. That’s probably why I don’t feel the need to pretend to be interested in you.

Funny also how quickly a team becomes a number of individuals with no connections.

CLARIFICATION

Just to clear things up for the busy bodies who felt the need to try to upset others by pointing out this was about them. It was not about or directed at, any of the people on my shift, formerly or currently.

Reactions

Everyone reacts to situations differently. Most of the time my reaction is “nope”. No reasoning, no discussion. My gut tells me that something isn’t good. It isn’t usually wrong. I know I’m not exactly the most reasonable and logical person, so when someone tries to “explain” how I’m wrong and this is a really good thing all I can think in my head is “lalala bullshit lalala”. So you can imagine what’s been going on in my head recently.

Unfortunately I also have physical reactions. When I am under stress or unhappy it usually shows on my face. Not just expressions but huge red angry breakouts, why they always have to be on my nose or chin I’ve no bloody idea. Right now I look somewhat like Rudolph…..

When I’ve been running on adrenaline, caffeine and sugar, as happens when I’m stressed, I struggle to sleep, my head always seems to be sore and my intestines also show their displeasure. I won’t got into detail on that front you’ll be glad to know. My brain doesn’t seem to take information in and I’m even more grumpy than normal.

No matter how bad it gets, how often it reduces me to tears – angry or sad – I still don’t seem to be able to ask for help. I almost went to the doctors this week but cancelled at the last minute.

Something needs to change. I’m not sure what, but something. In the meantime I rely on those closest to me to keep me going. Without them who knows what cave I’d be hiding in now. I’m a bit crap at telling them how much I appreciate them, I can only hope they just know.

Also I’ve been sat here for over an hour and only just noticed I’ve got my jammie top on inside out….

The end of an era or the beginning of the end…

On the 6th of February 2018 at 0400hrs, the job I’ve done for the past 8 years will cease to exist. It has been decreed that some faceless entities in Dundee can do our jobs better than we can. This was decided by other faceless entities in the central belt, most of whom got a nice promotion out of it with absolutely no care in the world about those of us it is devastating or how dangerous it is going to be.

Yes I’m the first to admit I have had a love/hate relationship with this job. There have been a lot of personality clashes and changes, for what feels like changes sake, over the past 12 years I’ve worked for this organisation. Offsetting all of that though have been the friendships, working understandings and relationships forged through difficult situations and helped along with a lot of laughter. Yes, tempers have frayed, yes, sometimes things have gone wrong, but we are all only human. We worked together because, ultimately we cared. About each other, about our communities and about people.

Of course some people will say that change must happen for us to move forward. I do agree. However, when no sense can be made of the changes other than boxes being ticked and arses being covered then something is far wrong. I’ve heard it being said that it was to save money. This actually makes me laugh until I cry. The amount of money wasted by mismanaged projects, unreasonable missed deadlines and other baffling expenditures is, quite literally, criminal.

I can confidently say that this organisation does not care one jot about its staff. Oh, of course it is seen to be doing the bare minimum of “there, there” initiatives, patting us disgruntled northern country bumpkins on the head and telling us we should be glad to have any jobs at all. They are covering up failures, arrogance, lack of any clear communication, manipulation of statistics and on occasion, down right lies I’m sure.

Yes, I’m angry. Yes, I’m emotional. Yes, I’m scared for the future, not just mine but of the whole of the North of Scotland. I do not believe that the population is safe when it comes to the emergency services. You no longer get to speak to anyone locally or who has any local knowledge of our large and diverse area for the fire service and as of 4am on the 6th of February 2018 nor for the Police.

The only local knowledge left in the area to help will be the last few remaining front office staff in stations. That is if you can find a station that is still manned/open/or has any of these legends left.

There has been no outcry from councils or media. Media only choosing to report, it seems, when our staff can be vilified in some way. Why is no one else angry that our skilled jobs in the Highlands have all been stolen away south? Why is no one else afraid of what will happen when they are going to need these services and they simply won’t be there?

I don’t have those answers. I just have disappointment that no one fought for us.

I hope that you never need to call. In fact at this point I’d say pray to whatever imaginary beings you believe in, that will be as useful as calling 101 or 999.

First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

Life. Both wonderful and bloody frustrating. Some days you want to last forever, others can’t end soon enough. I am at a point in life where I need an outlet for all these one sided conversations that go on in my head. That’s where this blog malarkey comes in. There will be ranting. There will be raving. There will likely be no actual structure or rhyme or reason for most of it, BUT that’s just how it goes in this mind of mine. Please don’t expect this to be fancy. I’m not very good at fancy. Don’t expect it to be a place for reasoned arguments, hormones and lack of sleep don’t care about reasoning! Let’s see what happens….